Jet Black Communication Breakdown

Open Your Eyes

2006-03-30T21:00:00.000+08:00

Again, I'm making the crucial perfect plan
Just in time for this moment at hand
I know I've always had what it takes
But you merely take what I've always had

Just open your eyes and see
That my feelings for you
Are so damn real

For you I'll do everything
Just to hear you say
That you love me

All this time that I have been waiting
Makes me wanna just give up trying
Though I'm not expecting the best out of it
I'll take my chances 'coz she's truly worth it

spending my days with you.

2005-10-27T23:01:00.000+08:00

days like these start out great.i love rainy days.they always make me smile and today it did its job.

i just know that everything would work out fine today.i just dont want to tell everything here.id just leave it to myself.

the more you talk, the less i hear by armor for sleep

2005-10-23T22:36:00.000+08:00

You've seen me, do I look okay to you?

Give me your handI'll shake it and shake it again

I'll smile until my face falls off my head

If it's good for you, it's good for me too

What did I say?

Why do you give a shit?

They're trying to pry into my brain

But I'm gone

I'm running down highways

Till I see your face

I just need to see you now

I don't care about anything else

Their words are flying over my head

I try and hear, but I'm somewhere else again

You laugh and I smile back to humor you

If it's good for you, it's good for me too

What did I say?

Why do you give a shit?

They're trying to pry into my brain

But I'm goneI'm running down highways

Till I see your face

I just need to see you now

I don't care about anything else

It's raining outside

There's a storm front on my back

Trying to keep, trying to keep me away from you

A stranger's up ahead, holding up a knife

Trying to keep, trying to keep me away from you

It's raining outside

There's a storm front on my back

Trying to keep, trying to keep me away from you

The stars are falling down

Breaking up the road

Trying to keep, trying to keep me away from you

I'll scream till I bleed

I scream stay away from me

They can't keep me back

Keep me back

Well I'll scream till I bleed

I scream stay away from me

They cant keep me back

Keep me back

What did I say?

Why do you give a shit?

I just need to see you now

I don't care about anything else

I just need to see you now

I don't care about anything else

walang nangyari.

2005-10-23T22:29:00.000+08:00

today sucks.nothing happened.okay?but the lyrics im about to post tells everything i feel right now.

she's too far away for me to hold.

2005-10-22T22:27:00.000+08:00

today was not what i expected it to be.but it was okay.i didnt get to do something i wanted but its alright.i couldve tried but i shitted out.maybe next time id be better.

she was right there but i couldnt do anything.maybe because i was afraid or something.theres still something in me that holds me back.maybe because of her words yesterday that kept me from doing anything.i just cant.im too afraid of rejection.i was feeling it coming today and was afraid of it too much.damn.im always saying next time but when the fuck would that be.maybe when i hear reassuring words then maybe i can start doing things.or maybe not.i dont trust myself at all at this.i hate myself for being this way but theres nothing i can do about it.i wish something would happen to change things and make them go my way.as if it would....

again.

2005-10-20T23:05:00.000+08:00

im back. it's been some time now. so much has happened. i cant even think about everything now. i think im gonna cut this one into sections just like in mechanics. haha.

music.

man.it's been fun.the gigs.the times together.though ive not been the perfect man for the band, its been great.everything's fine.we're like playing the best we can for these people and we dont care if they like it or not.though there were times when we felt like crap, everything turned out fine when we played.i think we're all better now by a thousand leaps than we were before.i believe now that we can be a good band no matter what.

school.

so much greater.i lost so much confidence in myself since the 4th quarter when i failed math.i think everything escalated last qtr since we had like so many minor subjects that i felt like nothing was worth in school anymore.then this quarter came.the quarter where math was like THE ONLY SUBJECT.i came in feeling like i wouldnt pass any of the maths.but when i passed the mechanics quiz and felt good about my discrete math quiz, i think and i believe that im getting that swagger back.i think the confidence is getting back into my system which is a pretty good thing since i depend on that confidence to boost me up.so right now i think id be able to pass this quarter.

life.

dull.as usual.love.imperfect.just like before.i dont know what's happening anymore.i dont know if what im doing is making any more sense.i know it does but for all the wrong reasons.not that wrong but not that right either.but i know i have to keep doing it.i know this would work if she'd give me that chance.but that chance wont come if i dont do anything though.i dont know what to do yet but id think about it.maybe id be better at this.maybe things would turn out to be good.i just hope that what im doing is not just the total waste of time that i have done before.

patience without hope is bullshit.

2005-06-30T01:11:00.000+08:00

the quarter has ended and i dont believe i have gained anything and i can see that i am slowly losing everything.reassurance in words does not guarantee its truth in action.again im waiting.but waiting for what?the future i cannot see because hope i cannot find.the decisions i have made were like the nails to my coffin.they snatched me of the only hope i had left.now i think i can see the next quarter to be dark again.just like in the beginning last year.its gonna be night again because the sun will set on me.

and why the fuck do i have to be so stubborn.im pushing myself towards her only to find myself buried in a deeper hole.i try to crawl out but my own selfish self draws me in.i wanted to go closer to her but suddenly all i see is the truth.it hurts but hurts more when you dont pay attention...when you look only onto your own side of the story...when you are nothing to her yet shes everything to you.

when will i learn?maybe never.id keep on going with the fear of failure and rejection.id keep on pretending and keeping my feelings to myself and not having the guts to get to you.

why does it have to be you?why not someone else who i can try more easily?why not someone who perfectly fits with me?

what do i have to do in order for things to happen?do i need to do more of what i have been doing to you?do i need to change myself for you?do i need to do something?i know i have to and i have to keep on doing it until you finally give in.i hope that happens before i fold.its not gonna be long before that happens.hope.i need you.someone gave it to me but i took it all away by myself.i am overreacting but what am i to do?this is what i do.and i hate it.

i just wish that something would happen and like get me back on my feet.you knocked me too hard that i cant stand up.

dreams are just make-believe

2005-05-15T20:11:00.000+08:00

i hope this one's not. i hope the song gets to you.

armor for sleep - dream to make-believe

2005-05-15T20:06:00.000+08:00

It's funny how things work out,

the ones we need don't know we're there

If I were sand

and you were oceans,

the moon would be

why you're pulled to me

I wake up and think dreams are real

I sleep so I don't have to feel

the truth that you can never be

the one person that won't ever forget me

I hope that dreams

come when I die

so we can talk

I won't wake up

I'll ask you how

your life worked out

I'll never knowthat

I'm just dreaming

I wake up and think dreams are real

I sleep so I don't have to feel

the truth that you can never be

the one person that won't ever forget me

Let me sleep some more...

i need you to need me.i want you to want me.

2005-05-07T22:01:00.000+08:00

i wish that was as easier done than said.if it was then i wouldnt be as fucked up as i am now.but the truth settles in and kicks you out of your dreamworld.and i just hope that the dream in dreamworld could be erased just by pressing delete.no.it's not like that.you have to work for everything and there's no easy way out in everything.sometimes you've gotta strive hard to get what you need.

but what if you dont even get a chance to work on it?what if right from the get-go her rejection to your invitation is right on your face?what if she thinks that you dont fit into her world?WHAT IF SHE WONT GIVE IN TO THE CRAP THAT YOU'RE SAYING?then you wont have hope.then there wouldnt be happiness in you.then you would just lie awake trying to figure out another way to get to her.then youd finally just accept the fact that you're nothing.YOU ARE NOTHING TO HER.what you did before?she just probably used you.I WAS USED.FINE.use me.as long as you want.i dont care.just give me a damn chance.i can prove to you i am worth it.i can change for you.the chance is all i ask.all you will do is just give it.is that hard?saying yes is hard?oh cmon.calculus 2 was harder damn it.

well, i havent told you anything yet though.this is all in my head.this is just my imagination gone wrong.

i'm not okay. i promise.

2005-05-05T22:18:00.000+08:00

today totally was a disaster.

it started well.the classes went pretty well.i understood a little bit of the crap in physics class.but most of all i was with her there.the short time seemed like eternity.

then i became totally stupid.great moments, they pass by if you're careless.and i am SOOOO FUCKING CARELESS TODAY.i shoud've gone with her even if i had no business in going to glorietta.but for her id do anything.even make a fool of myself.i promise id do the right thing next week, if the moment came.

then the cruel revelation was revealed.the one thing i expected finally came in unexpectedly.nothing fucks up an admirer other than another admirer.but il be just fine,pretending im not.ill think of ways to stop this.id answer my own questions.ill be more determined this time.id think faster now.id do the right thing now.NOW.the time may not be now but it sure is time to make a change.

the coming week may pose to be a tough one but i will make sure that i do something good.something right.something to make me happy,finally.end the pain now,please.

your cold heart rejects my feelings.

2005-05-04T21:38:00.000+08:00

why?am i useless in your eyes?can you feel something for anyone at all?do i have something that you just cant stand?am i not good enoygh for you?why does your cold heart reject my feelings?

so many questions again and no fucking answers.i cant answer them coz i havent tried yet.but how can i try if right from the start you resent me?i cant show you who i really am if you dont give me a chance.

please.give me the chance.i need it.i want it.ill do anything for you.a chance is all i want.i know you can and you will see through me.

feel good time.

2005-04-29T22:57:00.000+08:00

the week filled with change has ended.

can you believe that i changed for her?the clothes.the hair (though not that much).everything right know is for her.im falling faster down to her.

yesterday's adventure.the week's happenings.it all just seems to lead to her.i dont want this to happen but my heart craves for the feeling.my spine chills with the thought of her.

this 3 day lay-off will make me want to see her more and its painful to think that its not going to go your way when you meet again.but i have to wait and see.

tomorrow's summerslam 5.haha.cant wait.

my heart screams for your presence.

2005-04-28T21:29:00.000+08:00

last night i was whining again about this crap and that.but today, no whining.i got to be with her.even for that short of a time.she made me smile again.but still.i cant do it myself.i still fear something.

what happened today may leave scars again but that's just fine.im so scarred that i cant feel em anymore.

seeing her.talking to her.being with her.it all just feels so good.it makes me want to have more.and i am going to.i am going to try harder.the harder i try the more i believe i can make it.

i can see the promise of tomorrow.i dont give a damn about my studies now.i just want to see her.so much.it makes my heart scream for her presence.it's the only joy ive got right now.

IM OKAY NOW.i promise.

im being your walls again.

2005-04-27T19:56:00.000+08:00

over and over i fall. the same things happen. the same feelings and the same results. im not giving up yet but hope doesnt seem to exist. well it has to. if i am to find a way to get her i have to carry on. patience is a virue i am always told. i dont have that virue but ill work it anyway. if there's a will, there is surely a great way. i will look for that way and though i always take the easy way, this time i think ill have to learn the hard way. things dont work out the way we want them to in life. that's the way it is. that's way it has to be.

i think im ready for the responsibilities brought about by a relationship. i think i can do it now. i THINK i have found her. but is she for me? i want her. she's got what i need. or what i want? i just cant figure it out. give me time again. that's all i need. that's all she needs.

i will find a way.

kung may bagyo o kung tag-araw sa iyong damdamin...

2005-04-22T22:05:00.000+08:00

may bagyo nga ba? are you still recovering from some relationship that got tangled up or getting over someone? is your heart still filled with the thoughts of someone who broke your heart? is it still bleeding because it was wounded by an unnerving incident?

or

tag-araw sa iyong damdamin? or dont you want to feel something?are you trying to take love out of your life?are you taking it out of your priorities in life right now?is your heart removing any feelings and replacing them with the coldness that makes people like rock?is your heart not feeling anything that i have done, am doing and will do?

whatever your answer is...i am here.waiting.is it ok?ill be waiting.

falling out of place.

2005-04-15T22:47:00.000+08:00

things are not going the way they should be.the fucking trip to somewhere in pampanga tomorrow doesnt excite me a bit.i think ill be sleeping all day tomorrow.it really sucks when you cant do what you want and people dictate what you want to do.i wish id annoy my mom tomorrow so much that shed want to send me home.damn family trips.i hate them so much.i hate them.i hate the idea.i hate the timing.I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

ill try my best to stay normal tomorrow.

today was great except that tomorrow doesnt look good.the practice went well.i think well be great on sunday provided we dont get cold feet.that's what im looking forward to.

and...MONDAY'S NEAR.i wish something good would be produced in the coming days...

practice makes perfect.

2005-04-12T22:37:00.000+08:00

we need more practice.the song that we consider our "best" song needs more work.timing.instrumentals.vocal arrangements.maybe tomorrow we'd be able to complete the songs.

these are the song's that we'll be playing:

rivermaya - impossible
rivermaya - you'll be safe here
rivermaya - liwanag sa dilim
kamikazee - girlfriend
eraserheads - magasin

i hope we'd perfect these songs so that we wont embarass ourselves.maybe tomorrow will be a good day.

2005-04-11T22:48:00.000+08:00

me, rico and...nevermind. hahahahah

meet, greet, see, feel RIVERMAYA.

2005-04-11T22:13:00.000+08:00

this day sucked right from the start.imagine yourself sleeping at 5 in the am.youd probably want to sleep till about 3 in the pm but noooooo....ur mom wakes you up at 9 to get some vaccine.i wanted all hell to break loose coz it was really bad.bwisitin mo na ang lasing wag lang ang bagong gising.DAMN.nice start to your day huh?

and that's not all.you discover there's a conflict in your schedule.you have an appointment with rivermaya then you discover that your basketball team has a game at exactly 7 pm and your uniform isnt ready yet because your money is insufficient.you are forced to give 200 pesos which you wanted to use as extra money for your appointment.great!now your day starts to get worse by the moment.

but wait!there's more.you decide not to play.but you go to the place to claim your uniform under the scorching sun and discover that it wont be ready till 6.its getting better right?

its not over im telling you.now you're on your way to rx 93.1.you do not have an idea how to get there except that you know the fact that it lies behind sm megamall.you meet with your friends at 5:30 and the appointment is at 6.you get to megamall at about 6:15 and good enough, you cant tell where the hell it is!

FINALLY!it all ends.we get there at about 6:45 and they're playin you'll be safe here.oh was i relieved.at last i get to see my most favoritest band perform right before my eyes.their last song was a love to share and it was great.rico played guitars for this one.hahaha.

then it was time for autographs!was i ready for it.

first up: JAPS SERGIO... i saw him in glorietta last week.haha.

second: MARK ESCUETA... one of the originals.haha.

third: RICO BLANCO... my idol.no more.no less.haha.

last: MIKE ELGAR... he said my cd was old school.haha.

they were great,man.what better to see your inspiration in a picture with you?NONE!got a cd with autographs...rivermaya's rivermaya cd (the first cd) and my school id.

then when i got home.OUR TEAM WON.AND CONVINCINGLY!haha.

i hope thered be more days like these!hahahahhaha

summer is here...and i'm still waiting.

2005-04-10T23:27:00.000+08:00

why?because i have to, right?its ok.just so long as this pays off.if not...sorry for me i guess.its not like this is the first time.i can do it.i can withstand this pain.i can take all the pressure.

everyone has problems nowadays.my friends in relationships are heading towards the end now.im just a bit lucky i havent dipped myself into one yet.

though im a bit lucky, i think i want to be in one.i want to be in a relationship.i want to feel pain.not this pain.this is crap transcending into self-induced pain.i want pain caused by worrying for someone.i want pain caused by the fact that i am in a relationship and i have a responsibility.

but i am irresponsible and i am not worrying so that may be why i am not in one right now.maybe i have to create order in my life in order to insert all this.maybe its time to start again...

i need to start again.i think shes the one but i am not the one for her yet.summer's about to end for me and school is coming.ill see her again and i hope to end this all.

the pain of payment

2005-04-09T23:58:00.000+08:00

have i paid it yet?its been a long time.i think shes the one dont you?if not,why not?shes perfect.shes got the brains.shes got the beauty.shes got it all.why cant you see it that way?

i think the answer will make its way to me.i need not find it.school's coming and there the answer shall lay.but im not in any haste.patience may pay off.i hate failure but failing here may be too much.i dont want to feel this way forever.

but i know.if shes the one, shes the one.i just have to wait.

your smile leaves scars that burn through my skin.

2005-04-08T22:20:00.000+08:00

it does.and it hurts.bad.so bad that i cant forget it.i cant forget you.i hope this doesnt end.i hope that this would just get better.please.dont ignore me.this feeling that ive got sends chills down my spine.but its ok.i know its worth it.

cant wait to see you again.

dumbfounded moments last.

2005-04-07T21:02:00.000+08:00

i had her in my head since last night.i couldnt sleep and she caused headaches all night long.i wanted this day to be great.i didn't think it would be this great.

i saw her this morning.done.that was it.great moments, they pass by if you're careless...and they almost did.i let everything go when i went away from school.the day is over, i thought.work was on the way.all i thought about was her and what line i was going to pull tonight.i watched a movie.then there she was again.she popped out again.but this time,for real.

i couldnt believe it.but there she was.though an unlikely meeting,it was a great one.for the first time in my life i was dumbfounded.i couldnt say a damn word.crap.i cant even remember the words i said, if i ever said a word.

and that moment still lingers in my head.if my fucking brain reacted much quicker than my damn useless heart i would have been able to say something good.but no.the damn brain was too slow.

well, it has passed.time to get over it.oh wait...I CANT...what will i do?die probably...

wait for tomorrow.

2005-03-29T22:37:00.000+08:00

cant wait.i want tomorrow to be now.but ill be patient this time.i know its just going to be another pool party with lots of drinks and food.haha.OUR TYPICAL PARTY....

how i wish i had her with me.but its not.so lets not think about that.ok?

today was ok.it wasnt that good and it wasnt that bad.i got to cook today.haha.i think i did well.but i want more.i want to learn more.i liked it so i think this is just appropriate.

i also discovered that people here in our neighborhood...ARE ABSOLUTE IDIOTS WHEN IT COMES TO ENGLISH....grammatically they are IDIOTS!man!its like...they're proud that they know english but dont slam it to my face.i know english ten times better than your dad wanted you to be!SO DONT COME TO ME SAYING THAT YOUR FUCKING LETTER IS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT OR ELSE ILL KICK YOUR ASS!!

LAVANDER?HELLO??!!

ITS LA-VEN-DER!!!!IDIOT!

oh well...that's reality...ill post the "CORRECT" solicitation letter tomorrow...ONCE I FIND IT IN THE DUMPSITE...hahahahaha

oh wait.i wont be here tomorrow.its going to be GRAND POOL PARTY DAY....cant wait!

2005-03-28T23:44:00.000+08:00

down

2005-03-28T23:43:00.000+08:00

the band

the troubles brought about by vacation

2005-03-28T21:56:00.000+08:00

oh how i hate vacations.

you've got nothing to do.nowhere to go.no money to spend.no classmates to laugh about.the good thing is im going back to school on the 18th so the hate's gonna last just about 3 weeks.haha.

the bad thing is...i cant wait 3 damn weeks!seems like an eternity...and...im going to whine about this when i go back to school.id probably be repeating the phrase "AYAW KO NA PUMASOK!".that i hate more.haha.

well, ive got to try and be patient.something's got to give for chrissake.wednesday's gonna be a pretty good day coz its the party day.haha.then i think we're going to practice on friday.after that...TOTAL DARKNESS.haha.its ok.im sure there'd be more practices so it wont be that dark after all.i just wish we could perfect the songs in time to make some adhustments and additions.id love our performance to be absolutely perfect.it would make or break this whole summer break....

i wish tomorrow'd be better than today...

feel me.

2005-03-22T21:55:00.000+08:00

feel me because i can't.i don't know how or what to feel now that im slowly and surely forgetting you.i know that nothing really happened but im sure that i felt something somewhere somehow someway.the way i made a fool of myself to help you in whatever you asked.it was fine with me because i never expected anything back.i think i have nothing to regret because i now we were happy in the times we were "together".damn.i hate to think about them again.it kills you know.

but fine.it was all in my head.though i was sure it was there.then.i collapsed.seeing no hope in anything if was to continue whining made me realize that I AM LIVING IN MY DREAMWORLD AGAIN!i hate to admit it but that is what happened.

well.move on.that's what ive got to do.life's short but living its length is unbelievably long.

ask me.how many times has this scene occured in the past year and a half to me?

answer: THREE.

how long will i wait?long enough for me to die of loneliness?or long enough for the right moments to pass?

ill figure out a way while im away this weekend.actually my weekend starts tomorrow night.so i guess ill have a lot of time to figure it out.i just wish id be renewed when i come back.i dont want to be like this when i get back.

armor for sleep: being your walls

2005-03-22T21:43:00.000+08:00

pull your arms up around your knees
and hide out inside your room
pretend you can't feel at all

just realized that i know now
how you feel now

"if all i am is distraction for you
then i can't complain
if you can't feel something for me
take all you can find in me"

can you think back to when things worked?
when dreams were the days you lived
and you never cried alone

just realized that i know now
how you feel now
repeat

end.

2005-03-21T21:01:00.000+08:00

i think i just got the answer.i think ill just let it go.it felt too good that it never happened.it just passed by.or i just let it pass by.

i dont know what to do know with all these wasted feelings.waste them again?ok.i will.

but for now.i think i made a fool of myself again.what the fuck was i thinking?

"pano mahuhulog para sakin ang isang matayog na bitwing katulad mo?"

i ponder on these words and see you.then.in a flash.i fall to sleep.when i wake up.you're gone.why?because you were not meant to be there in the first place.my stupid head just keeps you there.sometimes i wonder why i was given this really colorful imagination.now i know.for me to suffer from its benefits.see.gifts are given to fill you with hate.fill me actually.

i think id rather be alone forever than suffer with someone who doesnt suffer along with me.got it?

but...i know that the infatuation is always there.and i hope that in the end,the sun will shine on me.i wish itd be soon...

excruciate.

2005-03-20T20:23:00.000+08:00

i must end the excruciating pain.damn it.again.why fail again?

i did everything perfectly but why does'nt love shine down on me?does she hate me for the things ive done?haven't i paid enough?it's been more than a year now.how long will the payment take?a year?2 years?or will it take forever?i hope not.and i believe not.because i want it now.

summer's here and i'm still waiting.i don't wanna wait....AGAIN!

i think im not asking the right question here.i think i should ask: IS SHE THE ONE? OR AM I JUST WASTING TIME AND EFFORT FOR THE NTH TIME?

i think i have to find the answer myself.

pressure is building towards the end

2005-03-03T16:49:00.000+08:00

the end of the quarter is near.summer's near.my birthday's near.haha.the final exams are near.the computer project's due is near.but the end of classes may be the worst part of it all.

this is the part i hate the most in the 7 months ive spent in the institution.i hate it when you have to part with the classmates and friends you want to be with.i guess that's the hard part in college.high school was fun coz you'd spend a whole year with the same guys.well, i have to live with this.

i will do all i can to make things the same as this quarter.or even better.i hope.i dont want to jump into any conclusions anymore.

this is the best quarter ever, considering this is just my third...

today: THURSDAY

the best day of the week.dont ask me coz i wont say why.haha.next week would be the last thursday.i wish that next quarter, everyday would be thursday.haha.

hope.

2005-02-24T16:33:00.000+08:00

hope.for the nth time.im feeling for something again.and i HOPE its the right thing because im beginning to like it again.i didnt want to feel that way forever.

today.dont ask.it was fine, finally.being with someone u like makes things better in the midst of everything.and it may set up my weekend filled with damn assignments.but thats another story.

to sum it all up.today was good.though i didnt get to see the urban dub concert,its still worth it all.

understanding.

2005-02-19T21:41:00.000+08:00

today was a good day coz i did what i had to do.i finished doing my work.but i really missed out coz we could have played today.i just didnt have the nerve to leave the house coz i know my mom hates my guts right now.i really feel bad bcoz i let her down.

i cant understand it.i always let people down for myself but in the end, i let myself down too.i put too much in my plans but i still cant fulfill my own desires.i hate it when this happens.im still looking for answers to so many questions i have right now.i feel like im doing everything wrong.i cant feel right right now.how?i dont have a damn clue.give me one and id be fine.

i just hope tomorrow will bring something good.but i dont want to expect to much coz i may end up on the losing side AGAIN.help me.please.

costly mistakes.....shit

2005-02-14T21:22:00.000+08:00

hi.finally.im back.damn.what a time to do so.i dont know why i made this mistake of not doing the right thing.again,someone is going to steal something that i was trying to make mine.why the fuck do i make the wrong decisions everytime i need to make a very important one?i always help others make the right ones but why cant i do it to myself?i think im still the same as before.i think im just going to let this go.but my question is when will i stop to think that hey,ive had enough of letting go...why don't i fight for something i want?something i need?i do it all the time but for the wrong things.the things that count are always the things i forget.help.that's what i need but somehow im refusing to accept it.im still afraid of failure,rejection..this may be the things that keep me from making things right.maybe.maybe not.i dunno.help me.now.please.

Finally....again.

2004-12-03T11:19:00.000+08:00

Yay! I finally had some mind to post here again. Aaah! I hate it when there's no classes. No money. Nothing to do but wail and no one to talk to. I hope these storms would end because its killing too many people. It's killing me too. I thought I've found her but here I go again. Wait for nothing and anticipate joy but all I find is absolute pain. Damn you. Over the past weeks I tried and tried again but in vain. I wanted to burn in hell with you but now, I want you to go first. You're all the same. I think I should try to move on again. But it's so fucking hard because I'm not someone who forgets things like this easily like an old goat. So, I've got to plan this over again and find a way to stop. Stop until I really have what I want. When? Tomorrow, I hope. But if it's not going to happen, I'd love to be gay. HAHA! No way. Death is much better than being a traitor to your own kind. Oh I hope everything ends now.

cross out my eyes

2004-11-16T20:55:00.000+08:00

i dont understand why you keep falling when you try your best to stay up. that's what is happening to me everyday. why didnt it happen to you? of all people... i'm someone who hates failure and yet i'm the one sucking up all the world's failures. love? is it just a feeling or is it crap floating in your toilet? i hope that its hust crap so i can just flush YOU down! why did you make me feel good and just leave me here dying, standing on the edge... i hope you'd die with me someday.

yesterday today

2004-11-16T20:51:00.000+08:00

i didn't crap on this page yesterday so i'm writing yesterday today. yesterday? it was great. on the otherhand, it sucked yet again. why? i played my game yesterday and kicked a**. finally. after 9 months of full collapse, i got it going again. where you might ask? BASKETBALL. damn im good. haha. but then again, nothing worked out as usual in the real world. the waiting game goes on and on. i'm feeling numb again. i hate myself so much.

expression of misfortunes

2004-11-14T23:03:00.000+08:00

for today, misfortune was the word to be reflected upon. nothing worked out today. everything continued to stop. nothing cheered me up today. i got disappointed because of my extreme anticipation of what was supposed to happen. doing what i did best seemed to be what i do worst right now. this feeling is never going to end if i don't find something to pacify. then again, finding what i want is not something i am good at. damn. i hate myself for being this way. i wish that she'd come for me right now. i just wish.

a new discovery

2004-11-14T22:43:00.000+08:00

this is my first freakin post. i thought the idea of creating blogs was total cr*p... but now, i can see its use. haha! i think this is the time to die now.